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So I was driving to an appointment to sell some office furniture the other day and a cop pulls me over and says, “Have you been drinking because your eyes look a little red.”

Undaunted, I immediately shot back, “Have you been eating donuts because your eyes look a little glazed.”  We can learn two things from this.  1. Never shoot back at a police officer. 2. Police officers have very little sense of humor.

Before my wife disgruntledly bailed me out 6 hours later I had a good chance to think about the office products business.  And here is what I thought.  Business is good.  But enough regressing.  Isn’t it great that Rosie and Donald are feuding?  I really don’t like either of them, and to watch them make endless headlines by smearing each other’s noses in the dirt and trash talk is usually the highlight of my day.

I could never figure out why Rosie had a talk show and evidently neither could the American Public.  She certainly couldn’t act, a fact verified by the one movie she was in. And as far as Donald – the man with an ego larger than his comb over – I’ve never enjoyed being around people who used daddy’s money to buy and bully their way into power, who absolutely know they’re God.  I’m God.

Just kidding.  I’m not God.  I’m god.  You know the other god, the small “g” god.  One of the smaller gods the Greeks worshipped in ancient times.  One of the gods you can’t really get in trouble for being. I’m already in enough trouble with the police.

Yeah, so where was I?  Oh, yea… selling office products. I was selling office products while I was playing golf.  Yes, I shoot in the mid 80’s.  If it gets any colder than that, I don’t go out.  And my drives are always in the 200 to 300 yard range.  That’s 150 out, and 100 to 150 yards to either the right or the left.

But I sell a lot of office products on the course.  Well, I don’t really sell office products at all.  I’m glad if I know which end of the fax machine to put the paper in.  And thank god – of your choosing, we don’t have thermal fax machines anymore.  I mean, is it paper towels, TP, fax paper – I get so confused.  More than once I’ve left the bathroom in pain. Luckily, it seems I don’t have to know anything about office products to get firms to buy from me.

You see, in sales – and this is true for any industry –   people buy through relationships.  And I have relationships with most of the women that buy from me.  Wait a minute – that didn’t come out right.  Especially if my wives find out.

But it’s true.  Clients know they can count on me when they have a question, problem, or need something.  They have my cell phone number and I always answer it.  Product questions?  I may not know the answer but that doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t find out for them in a hurry.  My efficient staff makes it easy for me to be the slacker I appear to be.  Our product specialists send detailed information to people that need product specs.  And pricing is a blend of my feedback along with industry norms and competitors’ bids.  And I’m there before, during and after the sale.

For whatever reason, people trust me.  They know while I can be pretty funny, I’m always honest, 100% trustworthy and eager to please.  It’s fun being funny and having relationships and having everyone around you always smiling and laughing – isn’t that the way you’d like to do business?  So would your clients.

And that’s the way you sell a lot of office products.  Just be yourself and develop relationships.  When clients like you and trust you, they’ll buy from you.

Here’s the bottom line. Don’t get caught speeding and give lip to the cop: it costs $450 and the guys in the drunk tank all look like they’ve been on one too many episodes of cops.  Yeesh… you’d think if someone had only one good tooth they’d take better care of it.